(NOT) A Confession

How many of you can stand pretending for years with someone whom you meet every day in your life? If you had that chance to give up, i'm sure that none wants to be left behind with those things they've been hiding on.

Well, it simply means me too. I'm just starting to get enough with this whole pretending things i'm facing right now. It's getting a lot more harder when you have that sticky-friends of you--or if i may say, those who know you too well--to always tell even yell at me STOP PRETENDING AND JUST LET IT FLOW.

I'm saying about feelings this time. Yes, that feeling you've got with somebody who's always been there around you--for let say six years with you. Man, i'm saying this is waaaaayyyy not easy. At all! To just let your guards off a little bit and let it flow.

NO , I'M NOT USED TO IT.
In fact, i wasn't pretending. Whateves if you find this as my goddamn defense, but yes, the truth is i was just ignoring and refuse to know what is happening between me and my feelings toward this forever-guy-bestfriend. I don't wanna know what's between us. That's the truth! See? I wasn't pretending. I was just ignoring to know.

Well, then though i realize i'm using "was" instead of "am" to explain that. So now, guess what, who's just making a stupid confession about her true feelings right now, huh? Me? Me??? Me.

But, umm... actually i'm not making a confession yet. HAHA. FYI, that's totally different. At this moment, I'm just revealing what's been hiding behind these walls i keep my guards on. So now when i slowly-but-steadily turning my guards off, i start to know and notice something i've never tried before when it comes to this: HONEST. Being honest especially to ourselves.

Why can't i be honest to myself? Why it was just so hard? While in the other hand, i can be 100% honest and be myself when we spend so many times together. How can't i just let it flow? Probably, it was all because of this walls i've been building it for so long time ago when we put in this friendship. I just wanted to keep it professional and cool at that time; but now, it just seems so naive, right?

Hey, i hope you know that it takes gazillion guts to say this... you are my muse. I finally admit it, see? Yeah, you heard me, i know. Don't make me repeat it in purpose. Please. Just. Don't.

After all this time, it turns out i'm the one who didn't have that courage to reveal it to the world. But now i know, what's the worst part of just showing it up and admiting? People will alwyas judge though; they hate, they agree, they support, they run free. A humble heart to admit and a courageous heart to taking risks is all that matters now. And the rest of it? Let God play His role in this scenario He has made. I shouldn't be worried either if someday he might found this writings and feel awkward about it; or he never knew about this i keep telling him to the world.

I guess that's all for jabbering this past-midnight time. So i will end up with a quote from one of my sticky-friends:

You don't write to confess, but you write as a reminder for both of you about those moments you guys have been through - Nadia, Melb.

(WoR)